PINEY FORK, W.Va. — Chief Meteorologist Earl “Radar” Mullins issued an urgent winter weather alert Tuesday after cutting open 47 persimmon seeds and discarding every result that did not support the forecast he had already written.
Mullins began his annual winter outlook shortly after sunrise with three bushels of persimmons, a folding knife, and a firm belief that this winter would be “one for the record books.” Trouble began when the first seed appeared to contain a fork—a traditional sign of a mild winter.
“You can't base an entire winter forecast on one persimmon,” Mullins explained while cutting open his 31st. “That's irresponsible meteorology.”
Seeds two through forty-six produced what Mullins called “inconclusive,” “coastal,” or “probably mislabeled” results. Several forks were removed from the official sample after Mullins determined that the fruit had “a warm-weather bias.” One knife shape was briefly considered before being ruled out because it did not match the station's winter graphic package.
At 10:42 a.m., the 47th seed finally revealed what Mullins identified as a spoon—the shape folklore says represents heavy snow requiring a shovel.
Mullins immediately stood, pointed toward the western sky, and announced, “THE BIG ONE IS COMING.” The station upgraded its outlook from “might get cold” to “historic winter event,” then began advising viewers to buy bread, milk, kerosene, and whatever else their cousin knows how to hook up to a generator.
Asked whether opening seeds until one agreed with him could compromise the scientific process, Mullins defended his method.
“Science is about persistence,” he said. “Sometimes the truth is buried inside the 47th persimmon.”
For independent confirmation, Mullins consulted a woolly worm found beneath the station's back steps. The worm declined to comment but appeared “thick through the middle,” which Mullins called deeply concerning.
The Holler Herald weather desk will continue monitoring the situation, along with chimney smoke, cattle posture, knee pain, and whether Dollar General runs out of snow shovels.
