CHARLESTON, WV — Following a dramatic increase in undead activity across the Mountain State, the West Virginia Division of Natural Resources has announced the state’s first regulated zombie hunting season.
The season will begin one minute before sunrise Saturday and continue until officials run out of tags, ammunition or employees willing to operate the mandatory check stations.
“We understand that residents are anxious to help control the zombie population,” a DNR spokesperson said. “But this needs to be done safely, responsibly and with slightly less excitement than we’re currently seeing.”
All hunters must possess a valid hunting license and purchase a separate $12 undead stamp. Nonresident zombie licenses will cost $347, which officials described as “the standard fee for people who suddenly remember West Virginia exists when something fun happens.”
Hunters must wear at least 400 square inches of blaze orange unless pursuing zombies during archery season, hiding inside an abandoned Dollar General or participating in circumstances the regulations have not yet anticipated.
The DNR also reminded hunters that they must positively distinguish zombies from meth’d-up neighbors before firing.
“Erratic movement, missing teeth and unintelligible groaning are not enough to confirm an undead target,” the agency warned.
Officials recommend waiting until the suspected zombie attempts to eat someone or continues walking after being asked whether it needs a ride home.
Baiting zombies with brains, raw meat or unattended social-media commenters is strictly prohibited.
However, hunters may use corn because officials acknowledged there is already corn everywhere and enforcing that rule would require considerable effort.
Electronic calls are permitted, although wildlife officers warn that recordings of people shouting “There’s free food at the fire department” may also attract living residents.
Tree stands are allowed but must be properly secured. Hunters are advised that zombies generally do not climb, although one resident in Logan County reported seeing an eight-foot zombie leap over a fence.
DNR investigators later determined it was a house cat walking close to the trail camera.
The agency expects competition to be intense on public land.
Several hunters have already claimed they have been tracking the same zombie for three seasons and have accumulated thousands of trail-camera photographs of it.
Upshur County hunter Travis Coleman said he has named one particularly large zombie “Old Limp.”
“I’ve got him patterned,” Coleman explained while checking his trail-camera app for the ninth time that morning. “He comes through around 2:13 a.m., usually right after the raccoons.”
Coleman declined to reveal the location but accidentally posted a screenshot containing precise GPS coordinates.
Every harvested zombie must be taken to an official checking station by midnight. Hunters will be required to provide the location, weapon used and an honest estimate of the zombie’s weight.
Dale Hatfield examined one photograph and estimated the zombie weighed between 220 and 410 pounds.
Wildlife biologists estimated 145.
Hunters may keep the skull, clothing and any cash found in the zombie’s pockets. Cellphones must be turned over to authorities unless the hunter can correctly guess the passcode within three attempts.
Bag limits have been set at three zombies per day, although additional antlerless zombie permits will be available once officials determine what that means.
Anyone harvesting a zombie wearing a name tag, county uniform or clothing from a local insurance agency should contact authorities immediately.
Successful hunters are encouraged to submit photographs but are asked to avoid holding the zombie several feet behind their body to make it appear larger.
The DNR also discouraged hunters from posting pictures with captions reading “Couldn’t have done it without this woman,” especially when the woman pictured had no involvement in the hunt.
Despite the new regulations, many residents believe the zombie season will resemble every other hunting season in West Virginia.
Thousands of hunters will enter the woods before daylight, sit motionless for six hours and see absolutely nothing.
Meanwhile, several zombies will cross the road beside Dollar General in full view of passing traffic.
At press time, Dale had identified three sets of zombie tracks behind his house.
Biologists later confirmed two belonged to raccoons and the third was a discarded work glove.
Dale remains confident.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
If it happens in the hills, we’ll probably report it. If it didn’t, give us about twenty minutes.
