WEST VIRGINIA — The Holler Herald’s Field Services Division has released its first cryptid identification card following reports of oversized footprints, missing snacks, and a trail camera that somehow photographed the same tree for eleven consecutive days.
The advisory concerns Bigfoot, a large woodland resident whose continued ability to avoid clear photographs has frustrated researchers and impressed several people currently avoiding a process server.
Local hunter Dale Pruitt contacted the Herald after discovering that his cooler had been opened and every pepperoni roll removed.
“He left the bottled water,” Pruitt said. “That tells me we’re dealing with something that knows what it wants.”
Pruitt initially blamed his brother-in-law, but reconsidered after finding a footprint approximately eighteen inches long.
His brother-in-law remains a person of interest.
Field investigators recommend looking for shaggy brown hair, unusually large tracks, and the uncomfortable feeling that somebody has been watching you eat Vienna sausages.
Residents encountering the creature should remain calm, secure their coolers, and avoid revealing the location of a productive deer stand.
“People get excited and start oversharing,” a division spokesperson explained. “Next thing you know, he’s sitting in your blind before daylight and you’re the one walking back to the truck.”
The division strongly discourages lending Bigfoot a side-by-side, even if he claims he only needs it until Saturday.
No equipment loaned under those circumstances has been returned with a full tank.
The identification card is the first installment of Know What’s in Your Holler, an ongoing public service conducted without grant funding, scientific oversight, or permission from anybody qualified.
Have you encountered Bigfoot? Submit your field report to The Holler Herald. Include a location, a description, and whether your cooler survived.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
