WEST VIRGINIA — A local zombie abandoned an online search for nourishment Saturday after spending several hours reading Facebook comments and finding what he described as “a deeply concerning supply situation.”
Josh Scott, recently identified as West Virginia’s Patient Zero, said he turned to social media after authorities restricted his movement.
“I figured that many people in one place, somebody would have something,” Scott said.
His first stop was a post reminding residents that trick-or-treat times vary by community.
Within minutes, the discussion included property taxes, school lunches, three unrelated political arguments, and a man demanding to know why nobody celebrated Halloween on Halloween anymore beneath a notice explicitly scheduling it for Halloween.
Scott continued scrolling.
A weather forecast produced accusations that meteorologists were personally withholding rain. A photograph of road construction attracted demands that the road be repaired immediately, followed by complaints that crews were out repairing it.
The zombie reportedly paused beneath a blurry trail-camera photograph labeled “BLACK PANTHER???”
“I knew better,” he admitted.
Witnesses said Scott spent the next 47 minutes explaining that the animal was a house cat standing close to the camera.
One commenter asked when he became a wildlife expert.
Another examined Scott’s profile picture and advised him to “get some sun.”
“He came looking for brains and ended up defending perspective,” said a family member. “We knew we were losing him.”
Scott eventually closed the app after encountering a commenter who announced that he did not believe in zombies directly beneath a photograph of Scott being restrained by emergency personnel.
At press time, Scott had returned to the woods.
He said the squirrels seemed promising.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
