RANDOLPH COUNTY, WV — A New Jersey man who moved to West Virginia last year has reportedly been expelled from the state after repeatedly pronouncing Appalachia “Appa-LAY-sha” despite receiving what local officials described as “more than enough warnings.”
According to witnesses, 38-year-old Anthony DeLuca first drew attention shortly after moving near Elkins when he told neighbors he had relocated to the “beautiful Appa-LAY-shan Mountains.”
Residents initially assumed it was an innocent mistake.
“We corrected him nicely the first six or seven times,” neighbor Roger Pritt said. “We told him it’s Appa-LATCH-uh. Like if you say it wrong, I’ll throw an apple atcha.”
DeLuca reportedly laughed and insisted both pronunciations were acceptable.
That was when the situation began to deteriorate.
“You can’t move here and immediately start telling us how to pronounce the place we’re standing in,” Pritt said. “That’s like walking into somebody’s kitchen and correcting the way their grandma says gravy.”
Tensions reached a breaking point Friday morning when DeLuca entered a local diner and loudly announced that he was “really starting to feel at home in Appa-LAY-sha.”
Witnesses said the restaurant became completely silent.
One waitress stopped pouring coffee. A man near the window slowly removed his camouflage hat. Someone in the kitchen turned off the radio.
“He had every opportunity,” diner owner Betty Lou Simmons said. “We had shown patience. Christian patience, even. But there are limits.”
Local authorities arrived approximately 15 minutes later and presented DeLuca with a formal notice ordering him to leave West Virginia before sundown.
The document cited repeated pronunciation violations, failure to accept correction from elderly residents and one count of putting ketchup on a biscuit.
DeLuca protested the decision, arguing that several dictionaries recognize his pronunciation.
Authorities said mentioning the dictionary only made things worse.
“We don’t care what some book printed in New York says,” Deputy Carl Hinkle explained. “The mountains were here before the dictionary.”
Before being escorted to the state line, DeLuca was allowed to collect his belongings, return his library books and purchase one final pepperoni roll for the road.
Officials said he may apply to reenter West Virginia after completing a six-week cultural rehabilitation program covering ramps, hollers, hot dog chili and the correct response when someone asks, “Who’s your people?”
At press time, DeLuca was last seen crossing into Maryland while telling officers he still believed “Appa-LAY-sha” sounded more sophisticated.
His application for readmission was immediately denied.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
If it happens in the hills, we’ll probably report it. If it didn’t, give us about twenty minutes.
