CHARLESTON, WV — Charleston Mayor Amy Shuler Goodwin announced that the Charleston Coliseum & Convention Center will be renamed the Vandalia Health Center, prompting residents across the city to unite behind one clear and immediate response:
“I’m not calling it that.”
The announcement was made with the usual collection of officials, microphones and carefully prepared remarks explaining that the new name reflects a partnership with Vandalia Health and marks an exciting new chapter for the downtown venue.
Residents listened politely before deciding the exciting new chapter would not affect them personally.
“It’s the Civic Center,” said Charleston resident Mike Harper. “It was the Civic Center when I saw a monster-truck show there in 1998, and it’ll be the Civic Center when they rename it again after a bank, hospital or regional HVAC company.”
Technically, the building has been called the Charleston Coliseum & Convention Center for years. This information came as a surprise to many locals, who apparently never approved that change either.
“I thought everybody was just being formal when they said that,” Harper said. “Like calling your uncle William when everybody knows his name is Bub.”
City officials reportedly anticipated some resistance, but underestimated Charleston’s ability to preserve an outdated place name for several consecutive generations.
Local navigation instructions remain especially unaffected.
Residents confirmed they will continue telling visitors to drive past where Stone & Thomas used to be, turn near the old Sears and look for the Civic Center—even if none of those directions appear on any modern map.
“They can put whatever they want on the sign. I’m still telling people the concert is at the Civic Center.”
The Holler Herald spoke with twelve residents about the new name. Ten said they would continue calling it the Civic Center. One said “the Coliseum,” but admitted it felt unnatural. The final resident asked whether parking would still cost too much and wandered away before answering.
Downtown businesses are preparing for several years of confused tourists asking whether the Civic Center, Coliseum & Convention Center and Vandalia Health Center are three separate buildings.
Officials stressed that updated signs, maps and promotional materials will help make the transition clear.
Residents stressed that they have ignored clearer instructions for less important reasons.
Darlene “Scoop” McCoy attempted to explain that buildings commonly change names through sponsorship agreements, but was interrupted by a man insisting the GoMart Ballpark is still “the Power park” and that the Town Center Mall will remain open spiritually.
At press time, crews were preparing new signage while several Charleston residents practiced driving past it without acknowledging the words.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
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