CHARLESTON, WV — Following reports that outside buyers are considering the future of Charleston Town Center, Spirit Halloween announced Monday that it has submitted an offer after realizing the entire mall already possesses what the company described as “ideal seasonal retail conditions.”
“We usually spend weeks searching for a recently abandoned department store,” a company representative said. “Charleston went ahead and prepared an entire mall for us.”
Spirit officials said the property required very few renovations.
The company plans to place rubber snakes near the former anchor stores, motion-activated witches throughout the food court and one employee near the entrance who disappears anytime a customer needs assistance.
“That last part was already included,” the representative confirmed.
Under the proposed agreement, the mall would reopen as the world’s largest Spirit Halloween sometime in mid-August and remain operational until approximately 4:17 p.m. on November 2.
Shoppers entering the building would immediately pass through the new Abandoned Mall Experience, where guests wander through long, dimly lit corridors while wondering whether any stores remain open.
Admission is free because officials acknowledged that experience has been available for several years.
Plans also call for converting the former JCPenney space into an animatronic graveyard, although contractors said the existing mannequins may be frightening enough.
Local residents expressed cautious optimism.
“I’d rather see it become a Spirit Halloween than sit empty,” Charleston resident Mark Collins said. “At least then we’d know when it closes.”
City officials declined to confirm the reported sale but admitted the proposal would technically restore dozens of retail jobs, provided nobody expects employment after Halloween.
Spirit Halloween also promised to preserve several pieces of Charleston Town Center history, including the central walkways, the memories of Christmas shopping in 1997 and one directory map that still confidently lists stores that disappeared twelve years ago.
At press time, company representatives were measuring the mall for what they described as “an absolutely irresponsible number of fog machines.”
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
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