CHARLESTON, WV — Officials are pushing back against reports that West Virginia’s population is shrinking, explaining that residents leaving the state are not moving away but being strategically deployed across the country.
“You call it population loss. We call it expansion,” one state official said while pointing at a map covered in thumbtacks. “West Virginia isn’t getting smaller. It’s leaking into everybody else.”
According to the newly revealed plan, thousands of West Virginians have established “forward operating hollers” in Ohio, North Carolina, Tennessee, Florida and several other states that previously believed they were safe.
Evidence of the expansion can already be seen nationwide.
Pepperoni rolls have appeared in convenience stores hundreds of miles from Fairmont. “Country Roads” is played at weddings from Pittsburgh to Phoenix. People with no visible connection to the Mountain State are suddenly wearing camouflage inside restaurants.
Officials say these developments are not coincidental.
“Every West Virginian who moves away receives an unofficial assignment,” the official explained. “Locate a fishing hole, find out who owns the surrounding land and determine whether the nearest grocery store carries biscuits and gravy.”
Researchers first became suspicious after discovering that former West Virginians continue identifying themselves by their home county decades after leaving.
A man who moved to South Carolina in 1998 reportedly still tells people he is “from over around Logan” before admitting where he currently lives.
“You can move a West Virginian out of West Virginia,” one researcher said. “But you cannot make him stop explaining where his grandpa’s property used to be.”
Other warning signs include displaying Flying WV decals on vehicles registered in other states, scheduling vacations around deer season and informing complete strangers that the correct pronunciation is “App-uh-latch-uh.”
Residents already stationed outside the state insist the relocation has not weakened their loyalty.
“I’ve lived in North Carolina for 17 years,” former West Virginian Kevin Adkins said. “But if somebody asks where I’m from, I say West Virginia. North Carolina is just where my mail goes.”
Adkins has reportedly converted three neighbors into Mountaineer fans, taught four coworkers how to make sausage gravy and convinced a local restaurant to begin serving hot dogs with chili and slaw.
Officials classified his mission as “highly successful.”
Current projections suggest West Virginians could gain cultural control of several neighboring states within the next two decades, though officials admit Ohio has proven more difficult than anticipated.
“They’ve resisted the pepperoni rolls,” one strategist said. “But we’re making progress.”
State leaders are now asking the public to stop describing the trend as people leaving West Virginia.
“We prefer the term Appalachian outreach,” the official said. “The population isn’t disappearing. We’re surrounding you.”
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
If it happens in the hills, we’ll probably report it. If it didn’t, give us about twenty minutes.
