WEST VIRGINIA — The Holler Herald’s Field Services Division has released its fifth identification card after receiving fourteen big cat reports, eleven photographs of darkness, and one picture of a thumb.
The advisory covers the Appalachian black panther and mountain lion, two creatures frequently observed by reliable people who were unfortunately doing something else with their phones.
Resident Gary Cline reported seeing a black panther cross an old logging road shortly before dusk.
“Long tail. Low to the ground. Black as coal,” Cline said. “There’s no mistaking it.”
Asked whether he had taken a photograph, Cline explained that his phone was in his pocket.
“I wasn’t expecting a panther.”
Investigators acknowledged that this remains the animal’s principal advantage.
A separate mountain lion report came from a man who estimated the creature’s length by comparing it to a chest freezer he helped move in 1997.
“Not the little one,” he clarified. “The one we had to take the door off for.”
His brother confirmed the freezer’s size but had not seen the cat.
Field investigators recommend noting the animal’s tail, body shape, and distance before involving relatives who will increase all three measurements.
The division also asks residents submitting trail-camera photographs to identify which twelve pixels contain the creature.
“We received one labeled CLEAR AS DAY,” a spokesperson said. “It was taken at night through a screen door.”
Residents encountering a large cat should keep their distance and resist approaching it for a better photograph.
However, those safely observing from indoors are encouraged to spend less time shouting “There he is!” and more time locating the camera button.
Cline has since returned to the logging road with his phone ready.
He photographed a squirrel, two deer, and a stump he described as “worth checking.”
Have you spotted an Appalachian big cat? Submit your field report to The Holler Herald. Include the location, what you saw, and a photograph taken before the story reached Thanksgiving dinner.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
