WEST VIRGINIA — Outsiders insist the year contains four seasons. That is adorable. West Virginians know the calendar actually contains at least twelve, and six of them may occur before supper.
1. False Spring arrives when one warm afternoon convinces everybody to open the windows, uncover the grill and say winter is over. Winter hears this and returns overnight.
2. Second Winter begins the moment the porch furniture comes out. It features sleet, frozen mud and one neighbor reminding everyone that he knew better.
3. Mud Season is less a period of time than a surface condition. Every driveway becomes soup. Every dog comes inside wearing half the yard.
4. Actual Spring lasts roughly eleven minutes. Trees bloom, birds sing and somebody immediately starts sneezing.
5. Pollen Season paints every truck the same yellow-green color. Washing a vehicle during this period is considered an act of optimism.
6. Early Summer feels pleasant enough to trick people into planning outdoor projects.
7. Humidity Season then arrives and makes walking to the mailbox feel like swimming in a warm towel.
8. County Fair Heat occurs whenever livestock, funnel cakes and asphalt gather in the same location. Temperatures rise another nine degrees near the demolition derby.
9. False Fall begins with one cool morning. Flannel appears. Chili gets mentioned. By afternoon it is 88 degrees again.
10. Actual Fall is beautiful, brief and mostly spent waiting behind someone photographing leaves from the middle of a road.
11. Deer Season Weather can be 19 degrees at daylight and 72 by the time you drag a heavy coat back to the truck.
12. Winter officially starts when bread, milk and toilet paper disappear because a weather app displays one snowflake.
Earl “Radar” Mullins says the system is completely scientific.
“If you don’t like the season you’re in, leave your coat in the truck. A different one will be here shortly.”
The Holler Herald recommends keeping sunglasses, an ice scraper, rain boots and a hoodie in the vehicle year-round. Remove none of them. The mountains are watching.
