WEST VIRGINIA — Although most government agencies remain unwilling to confirm when the dead will begin walking, both the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the United States military have devoted an uncomfortable amount of paperwork to the subject.
The CDC released a zombie-preparedness campaign in 2011 to teach actual emergency planning. The United States Strategic Command also created CONPLAN 8888, a fictional training exercise officially titled “Counter-Zombie Dominance.”
Therefore, The Holler Herald has concluded that the government either believes zombies are impossible or knows exactly when they are coming.
Either way, West Virginians should prepare.
Step One: Identify Your Zombie
Not every zombie requires the same response.
### Slow Walkers
These are the traditional Night of the Living Dead variety. They shuffle, groan and travel at approximately the same speed as someone browsing the middle aisle at Dollar General.
Against slow zombies, West Virginia holds several strategic advantages:
- Steep hills
- Narrow holler roads
- Houses located somewhere beyond the end of pavement
- Directions outsiders cannot follow
- Porches containing enough relatives to maintain a twenty-four-hour watch
If pursued by slow walkers, simply cross a creek, climb a ridge or walk at a determined pace.
Do not become overconfident. One slow zombie is manageable. Five thousand slow zombies are a parade with poor organizational skills.
### Fast Rage Zombies
If the infected resemble the runners from 28 Days Later, the official plan changes immediately to:
Get inside and reconsider every decision that brought you here.
Do not attempt to outrun them uphill unless you are under 25, currently being chased by a bear or have spent the last six months training for something other than walking to the refrigerator.
Fast zombies eliminate West Virginia’s biggest defensive advantage: the assumption that nothing will willingly run up these mountains.
Your best option is a secure building, adequate supplies and a friend whose property has only one road leading in.
Preferably, that road should already be washed out.
Step Two: Build an Actual Emergency Kit
The CDC’s zombie campaign recommended the same supplies useful during floods, storms, power outages and other emergencies that happen more frequently than resurrection.
Your kit should include:
- One gallon of water per person per day
- Nonperishable food
- Prescription and basic nonprescription medication
- First-aid supplies
- Flashlights and extra batteries
- A battery-powered radio
- Soap, towels, bleach and other sanitation supplies
- Blankets and extra clothing
- Copies of identification, insurance policies and important medical information
- A utility knife, duct tape and basic tools
- Pet food and medication
- Cash, because the card reader will be the first casualty
West Virginians should also include coffee, pepperoni rolls and enough Little Debbie products to maintain morale until spring.
Step Three: Choose Your Refuge Carefully
Everyone thinks they should flee into the mountains. Unfortunately, so does everyone else.
Avoid major highways, shopping centers and any location offering “just a few remaining generators.” Those places will become dangerous before the zombies arrive.
A proper West Virginia refuge should have:
- Fresh water nearby
- More than one exit
- A woodstove
- A garden
- A hand pump or gravity-fed spring
- At least one person who can repair anything using baling wire
- A road that appears on no GPS manufactured after 2009
Do not announce your location on Facebook.
This includes posting, “If anything happens, y’all know where to find us.”
The zombies may not have social media, but your cousin who brings twelve unprepared friends certainly does.
Step Four: Make a Family Plan
Choose where everyone will meet, how they will communicate and who is responsible for children, older relatives and pets.
Also decide in advance which family member will insist the outbreak is exaggerated, refuse to leave and eventually arrive at your shelter without food.
Every family has one.
If you cannot identify yours, it may be you.
Final Assessment
Against slow zombies, West Virginia is exceptionally well positioned. Our mountains, backroads, gardens, hunting experience and general suspicion of strangers provide a strong defensive foundation.
Against fast zombies, our official recommendation is to lock the door, turn off the lights and hope they continue toward Ohio.
This guide is satirical, but the emergency supplies and planning advice are useful for real disasters. Zombies are unlikely. Flooding, winter storms and extended power outages are not.
Prepare accordingly.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
If it happens in the hills, we’ll probably report it. If it didn’t, give us about twenty minutes.
