WEST VIRGINIA — The Holler Herald’s Field Services Division has released its eleventh identification card after tracing thirty-seven giant catfish reports to a diver whose name nobody remembers.
The Dam Catfish is reportedly larger than a Volkswagen Beetle, although witnesses familiar with the submerged railroad car maintain that the Volkswagen comparison substantially understates the situation.
Local fisherman Dennis Rucker said his uncle worked with a man who knew the diver personally.
“Went down to inspect the dam,” Rucker explained. “Came back up, took his gear off, and said he wasn’t going back.”
Asked which dam, Rucker said he would need to call his uncle.
His uncle said it might have been a different diver.
Investigators encountered similar difficulties with reports of a railroad car that supposedly derailed into the river.
Residents agreed that a catfish had been seen lying beside it and was longer than the car.
They disagreed on the river, the railroad, and whether the car contained coal, livestock, or “something the government needed.”
“One gentleman specified a caboose,” a division spokesperson said. “His brother corrected him to a boxcar. Neither considered that a reason to reconsider the fish.”
The division recommends identifying the creature by its enormous whiskers, broad head, and ability to gain several feet between generations.
Fishermen hooking something unusually large should cut the line rather than announcing that they finally have him.
“You brought a folding chair and half a tub of chicken livers,” the spokesperson said. “Please assess the equipment available.”
Rucker remains confident the story can be verified.
His uncle is checking with a retired man who used to live near the river.
“He’ll know,” Rucker said. “His brother was a diver.”
Did your hometown have a giant catfish story? Submit your field report to The Holler Herald. Include the location, the estimated size, and how many people separate you from the diver.
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