FLATWOODS, WV — The Holler Herald’s Field Services Division has issued its third identification card after determining that local residents continue responding to unexplained lights by assembling the least qualified search party available.
The advisory covers the Flatwoods Monster, recognizable by its spade-shaped hood, glowing eyes, and an outfit witnesses generally describe by moving their hands around.
“We ask people what they saw, and they say, ‘It was shaped like this,’” a division spokesperson explained. “That does not come through on the phone.”
Resident Calvin Raines recently organized an investigation after noticing a red light above a wooded hillside.
His equipment consisted of a flashlight, house slippers, and a neighbor who had come outside to see why Calvin was yelling.
“I had the biggest flashlight,” Raines said. “Naturally, I took point.”
The expedition advanced approximately forty yards before encountering an unusual smell.
Raines ordered his neighbor to investigate.
“He said I was better at describing things,” the neighbor recalled. “Apparently that became important once we smelled it.”
Both men returned home after spotting what they described as a tall figure with glowing eyes.
Neither could estimate its height because, according to their report, they were “already turning around.”
Field investigators advise residents to back away slowly, count their children, and resist appointing themselves to any position requiring them to walk first.
“Having fresh batteries is a supply advantage,” the spokesperson said. “It is not a qualification.”
Residents should also avoid poking unfamiliar objects with sticks.
The division acknowledged that this eliminates roughly half of the region’s standard investigative methods.
Raines said he would handle a future encounter differently.
“Boots,” he said. “Definitely boots.”
Have you encountered the Flatwoods Monster? Submit your field report to The Holler Herald. Include the location, a description, and who volunteered somebody else to get closer.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
