A West Virginia family that purchased Halloween candy three weeks ahead of schedule to “get it out of the way” returned to the store Tuesday for a third bag, having already distributed the first two entirely within the household.
Melissa Hensley said the initial purchase was intended to prevent the usual October 31 scramble through a candy aisle containing nothing but circus peanuts and a torn bag of something nobody recognizes.
“We were being responsible,” she said. “We got the good stuff early.”
Her husband, Kevin, agreed that they had gotten the good stuff.
He said this had contributed significantly to the problem.
The first bag, a large assortment of miniature chocolate bars, was placed in a decorative pumpkin bowl on the kitchen counter.
Family members were told it was for Halloween.
Kevin interpreted this to mean it was seasonal.
“I wasn’t eating Christmas candy,” he explained. “I was following the theme.”
According to Melissa, the decline began with a single Reese’s cup taken while putting away groceries.
By the following evening, the household had developed a system in which anyone entering the kitchen for any reason was entitled to one item.
Getting a drink qualified.
Checking whether the dishwasher was clean qualified.
Walking through to see what somebody else was doing qualified, provided the visitor did not draw attention to the bowl.
“It’s the little ones,” Kevin said. “You can’t count those the same.”
Asked how many miniature candy bars equal a regular candy bar, he said it depended on whether anybody was watching.
The family’s oldest daughter attempted to preserve supplies by moving the bowl to a cabinet.
Kevin located it while looking for batteries.
The batteries are kept in a different room.
“I checked there second,” he said.
Within four days, the assortment consisted of three hard candies, a loose wrapper, and a single variety everyone had been politely working around.
Melissa described the remaining candy as “the little coconut situation.”
Kevin said he had been leaving those for her.
Melissa said she had been leaving them for him.
Their younger daughter said she had been leaving them because they were bad.
The second bag was purchased with stricter rules.
Melissa announced that it would remain sealed until trick-or-treat night.
Kevin agreed this was sensible and carried it into the house.
The bag was opened later that evening after he identified what he described as a manufacturing concern.
“There was a little tear.”
Melissa said there had not been a little tear when she handed it to him.
“Well, there was when I checked.”
To avoid further temptation, Melissa hid the replacement bag in a storage tote marked SUMMER CLOTHES.
It was discovered during a search for shorts prompted by the week’s warm weather.
“That one was the forecast’s fault,” Kevin said.
By Sunday, family members had stopped taking candy directly from the bag and begun carrying small quantities into other rooms for private consumption.
Wrappers appeared beneath couch cushions, inside hoodie pockets, and in the cup holder of a vehicle nobody remembered taking candy into.
Melissa initially denied eating any.
She later clarified that she had eaten some while standing at the counter, which she did not consider the same as “getting into the candy.”
Kevin supported this distinction.
For approximately twelve seconds, the couple presented a united front.
Then Melissa found nine wrappers beside his recliner.
Kevin said they were from different days.
The third bag has now been purchased and placed in a location Melissa declined to disclose.
She confirmed it contains an assortment selected partly on the basis that Kevin “doesn’t need to love everything we own.”
Kevin said he respected the decision but wanted to know whether it included peanut butter cups.
“For allergy purposes.”
Neither child has a peanut allergy.
As Halloween approaches, the family estimates it has spent enough on candy to provide generously for every child on the road, assuming none of them arrives before the household finishes eating it.
Melissa said a fourth purchase would not be necessary.
“We’ve got self-control,” she said. “We’re grown adults.”
At press time, Kevin had entered the kitchen to look for a screwdriver.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
