MORGANTOWN, WV — A West Virginia football fan who repeatedly claimed he expected the Mountaineers to disappoint him appeared completely stunned Saturday night after they did exactly that.
Local resident Kenny Harper entered the game against Oklahoma State insisting he had learned from decades of emotional trauma and would not allow himself to become optimistic.
“I knew this was going to happen,” Harper said while staring silently at the television. “I told everybody all week not to get excited.”
Family members confirmed Harper had, in fact, gotten extremely excited.
Over the previous six days, he reportedly predicted a double-digit West Virginia victory, discussed possible conference championship scenarios and watched four videos titled some variation of “Why This WVU Team Is Different.”
At one point Thursday, Harper used the phrase “statement win” without being prompted.
“He does this every year,” his wife said. “First he says they’re going to lose. Then he talks himself into believing they’re going undefeated. After they lose, he acts like he knew it all along.”
Harper’s confidence remained high through kickoff, when he announced that the atmosphere in Morgantown would be “too much for Oklahoma State.”
By halftime, he had begun criticizing the play-calling.
During the fourth quarter, Harper paced between the couch and television while repeatedly saying, “Here we go,” although witnesses were unable to determine whether he meant something good or something terrible.
The answer became clear several minutes later.
Following the loss, Harper sat motionless with the remote control in his hand and began reviewing a lifetime of Mountaineer-related emotional injuries.
“I should’ve known better,” he said. “I’ve watched this team my entire life. Every time you start believing, they find a new and creative way to remind you who you are.”
Harper then revealed that West Virginia football already has a role reserved in his final arrangements.
“I want WVU as a pallbearer at my funeral so they can let me down one more time,” he said.
Despite claiming he was finished watching football, Harper checked the remaining schedule approximately nine minutes later.
He identified several winnable games, explained how West Virginia could still reach the conference championship and calculated what would need to happen for Saturday’s loss to “not really matter.”
His wife quietly resumed watching television.
By the end of the night, Harper had moved beyond anger and entered the traditional Mountaineer fan recovery process: disappointment, acceptance and completely unreasonable optimism about next week.
“I’m not falling for it again,” he said. “But if we fix a couple things, this team could still be dangerous.”
At press time, Harper was searching for kickoff time.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
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