MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — West Virginia fans have uncovered what they describe as a coordinated effort to suppress Michael Hawkins Jr.’s Heisman campaign by scheduling Saturday’s game at Texas Tech for a time when respectable people have already started asking whether anyone turned off the porch light.
The Mountaineers will kick off in Lubbock at 9:30 p.m. Eastern.
Local fans immediately identified the arrangement as suspicious.
“You don’t put a man on television at nine-thirty unless you’re trying to hide him or sell somebody a replacement knee,” said area fan Kevin Hensley.
According to an entirely unofficial investigation conducted beneath a Facebook schedule graphic, the late start ensures Hawkins could produce a spectacular performance while Heisman voters remain occupied with brushing their teeth and deciding whether to watch another episode.
“They’ll see three quarterbacks at noon, four more at three-thirty, and somebody from a brand-name school during dinner,” Hensley explained. “Our guy’s out there making plays while the television asks if they’re still watching.”
Fans noted that Lubbock’s location in the Central time zone does little to address the central issue.
“I don’t care what time it is in Texas,” one commenter wrote. “My recliner is on Eastern.”
Preparations across West Virginia now include strategic afternoon naps, late coffee, and explicit instructions that nobody announce the score if a family member briefly closes his eyes.
Hensley has already informed his wife, Melissa, that he will require the living-room television for the entire evening.
She asked whether he intended to stay awake.
“That’s not the point.”
The Herald’s sports desk has proposed sending every Heisman voter a thermos, a pepperoni roll, and a family member willing to say, “You need to see this,” while standing directly in front of the screen.
A separate proposal would require voters to submit photographic evidence that they watched the fourth quarter.
Hensley supports both measures.
“If they can stay up to explain why he isn’t in the conversation, they can stay up to watch him.”
At press time, he had set three alarms to ensure he did not miss kickoff.
All three were labeled “HEISMAN CONSPIRACY.”
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
