MORGANTOWN, WV — Following West Virginia’s 3-3 start, Mountaineer fans have formally demanded that the university fire every person who has entered the football facility since January.
The movement began moments after Saturday’s loss, when longtime fan and Holler Herald guest editor Josh Scott posted a photograph of himself pointing directly at the entire coaching staff while wearing a sweatshirt bearing the carefully considered message: FIRE EVERYONE
“I’ve reviewed all six games, several message boards and approximately 4,700 Facebook comments,” Scott said. “There’s only one reasonable conclusion. Everybody has to go.”
Scott clarified that “everybody” includes the head coach, coordinators, position coaches, graduate assistants, strength staff, equipment managers and the person responsible for playing music during commercial breaks.
“The guy selling popcorn behind Section 129 can stay,” Scott added. “But he’s on probation.”
Other fans quickly joined the campaign, insisting that a 3-3 record is unacceptable for a program they predicted would finish anywhere between 4-8 and undefeated before the season began.
“The expectations were clear,” one supporter said. “I expected at least nine wins, even though I personally predicted six losses.”
Several fans have already assembled a list of possible replacements. The list reportedly includes three former WVU coaches, two retired NFL coordinators, a successful high-school coach from Ohio and one man named “MountaineerMan1977” who claims he has never lost a game on PlayStation.
“He understands clock management,” supporters explained.
Fans also demanded that the next coaching staff recruit only five-star players, win immediately, embrace West Virginia traditions, modernize the program, run the football, throw the football and never lose a player to the transfer portal.
The new coach must also be a proven winner who has never coached anywhere else, genuinely loves West Virginia and is willing to accept approximately half the salary currently required to hire a proven winner.
When asked whether firing an entire staff midway through the season might create additional instability, Scott pointed at the reporter and repeated his position.
“Fire,” he said, pausing for emphasis, “everyone.”
University officials have not responded to the demands, although witnesses reported seeing several assistant coaches quietly remove family photographs from their offices.
At press time, fans had expanded the proposed firings to include the athletic director, the conference commissioner, two referees, the stadium weather and one guy who left during the third quarter.
Scott later amended his statement.
“The popcorn guy can go too,” he said. “He knows what he did.”
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