MORGANTOWN, WV — City officials urged West Virginia fans to celebrate responsibly Saturday after the Mountaineers snapped a three-game losing streak with a homecoming victory, immediately placing every upholstered piece of furniture within five miles of High Street in grave danger.
After opening the season 3–0 and then dropping the next three games, officials had begun to believe Morgantown’s couches might survive the fall. Today’s win abruptly ended that sense of security.
The final seconds had barely expired before students began pouring into the streets, singing “Country Roads,” high-fiving strangers and examining nearby couches for weight, flammability and ease of transportation.
“We understand that emotions are running high,” one Morgantown official said. “We’re simply asking everyone to pause before setting fire to the first piece of furniture they see. Check for occupants, loose change and whether somebody’s grandmother is still making payments on it.”
The city released a brief list of recommended celebration procedures shortly after the game.
Residents were advised to remove all cushions, inspect underneath the couch for television remotes and relocate nearby propane tanks before beginning any traditional postgame activities.
Recliners must be placed in the upright position.
Sleeper sofas require two additional people and written confirmation that nobody is currently sleeping inside.
Loveseats, according to officials, may be burned only by couples who have been together for at least six months.
One aging sectional located in an off-campus apartment told The Holler Herald that it had spent the entire fourth quarter listening nervously to the crowd outside.
“I knew what I was getting into when they carried me up here,” the couch said. “They told me this was a quiet apartment occupied by serious students. Then I saw the empty cans, the wall flag and a framed picture of Pat White. I realized I’d been lied to.”
The couch said its concerns increased after West Virginia secured the victory and three students entered the living room discussing whether it would fit through the front door.
“They’ve been measuring me with a phone app for 20 minutes,” it said. “One of them keeps saying, ‘We can angle it.’ I don’t like where this is headed.”
The sectional reportedly attempted to make itself appear less flammable by absorbing half a gallon of spilled Mountain Dew.
The effort was unsuccessful.
“I always figured I’d go out peacefully,” the couch said. “Maybe a broken spring, a yard sale or being left beside a dumpster with a sign that says FREE. I never imagined my final moments would involve 70 people chanting while somebody pours lighter fluid on my ottoman.”
Nearby furniture expressed sympathy but admitted feeling relieved.
A wooden kitchen chair said it was “probably safe unless they get really excited,” while a beanbag chair reportedly hid inside a bedroom closet.
The apartment’s television declined to comment but was seen displaying the postgame celebration at maximum volume.
Local fire officials reminded residents that setting furniture on fire remains illegal, dangerous and significantly less funny once the fire department arrives.
“We know people associate big wins with burning couches,” a firefighter said. “But we would strongly prefer everyone celebrate by yelling, honking their horns and posting increasingly unreasonable predictions about the rest of the season.”
Despite the warning, several students were reportedly seen escorting an unidentified loveseat toward the street approximately 12 minutes after the game.
Witnesses said the loveseat appeared resigned to its fate.
“It didn’t struggle,” one student said. “Honestly, I think it understood.”
Longtime Mountaineer fans approached the victory with greater caution.
Many refused to discuss winning streaks, bowl games or what the victory might mean for the rest of the season, explaining that the previous three weeks had reminded them what optimism costs.
“I’m happy,” local fan Kenny Harper said. “But I’m not getting carried away. I’ve been watching West Virginia football for 35 years. Hope is how they get you.”
Harper then spent the next 40 minutes explaining why the Mountaineers could theoretically win every remaining game.
Across Morgantown, homecoming celebrations continued as fans enjoyed a victory that restored some of the city’s confidence and caused hundreds of pieces of secondhand furniture to reconsider their living arrangements.
The nervous sectional was last seen being rotated sideways near an apartment doorway.
“They said they’re just moving me so they can vacuum,” it shouted. “There isn’t even a vacuum in this apartment.”
At press time, someone had opened the front door.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
If it happens in the hills, we’ll probably report it. If it didn’t, give us about twenty minutes.
