MORGANTOWN, WV — Following West Virginia’s 52–31 loss to Arizona Saturday, local Mountaineer fan Kevin Harrison announced that responsibility for the defeat belongs entirely to other WVU fans.
According to Harrison, the loss occurred because supporters have not donated enough money, purchased enough merchandise or yelled loudly enough inside Milan Puskar Stadium.
“It’s the fans,” Harrison said while reviewing a defensive performance in which Arizona averaged 9.5 yards every time it snapped the football. “People just aren’t supporting this program.”
Harrison explained that West Virginia’s defense surrendering 52 points had little to do with tackling, preparation, positioning or the apparent decision to guard opposing receivers from a respectful distance.
“You can’t expect the defense to make stops when somebody in Parkersburg hasn’t joined the Mountaineer Athletic Club,” he said.
WVU has now allowed 138 points and 1,668 yards during its first three Big 12 games, numbers Harrison believes could have been prevented if fans had purchased approximately 4,000 additional pepperoni rolls Saturday afternoon.
He also blamed several empty seats.
“If six more people had shown up in Section 128, that running back probably doesn’t score,” Harrison said. “Defensive players can sense when a seat is empty.”
When asked whether the coaching staff shares any responsibility for producing what appears to be one of the worst defenses in college football, Harrison rejected the premise.
“Coaches can only coach,” he explained. “It’s up to the fans to identify the formation, fill the correct gap and prevent a 70-yard touchdown from the upper deck.”
Other supporters quickly joined the investigation online.
Within minutes, blame had been assigned to fans who left early, fans who did not wear gold, fans who complained about ticket prices and one elderly couple who missed kickoff because they were waiting on the PRT.
The defense was cleared of all responsibility after briefly appearing in the background of the discussion before missing another tackle.
Harrison concluded that the program needs patience, loyalty and substantially larger financial contributions from people who already purchased tickets, parking, food and officially licensed shirts.
“We all have to do our part,” he said. “Personally, I posted ‘Hold the Rope’ and blamed three strangers on Facebook. I’ve done everything I can.”
At press time, Arizona had gained another nine and a half yards.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
If it happens in the hills, we’ll probably report it. If it didn’t, give us about twenty minutes.
