MORGANTOWN, WV — Following another painful West Virginia football loss, a lifelong Mountaineer fan has amended his will to require that members of the WVU football program lower his casket into the ground so they can let him down one final time.
Fifty-eight-year-old Gary Pritchard reportedly contacted his attorney immediately after the game and insisted the clause be added while the disappointment was still fresh.
“I’ve trusted WVU with my Saturdays, my blood pressure and several perfectly good pieces of living-room furniture,” Pritchard said. “It only seems right to trust them with my funeral.”
The updated will contains detailed instructions requiring six pallbearers dressed in blue and gold to carry Pritchard’s casket to the gravesite, establish an early lead over gravity and then lose control during the final two feet.
Pritchard’s attorney initially questioned whether the request was legally enforceable.
“Gary was very specific,” attorney Michael Sweeney said. “He wants WVU to lower the casket, briefly raise everyone’s hopes and then allow the entire ceremony to collapse in a way that feels both shocking and completely predictable.”
Family members said Pritchard began discussing the plan during the fourth quarter, although they initially believed it was another temporary emotional reaction similar to the time he canceled cable television and had it reconnected before Tuesday.
His wife, Linda, said the family supports the request.
“He’s spent his whole life saying, ‘This year feels different,’” she explained. “It never is, but you have to admire the commitment.”
The funeral instructions also require the officiant to announce that the burial is “still within reach” before something goes unnecessarily wrong.
Instead of flowers, mourners are asked to send replacement remote controls, antacid tablets or donations to the West Virginia Fans Who Should Have Known Better Fund.
Pritchard has also selected “Country Roads” for the service but requested that it stop just before the final chorus.
“I don’t want anybody getting closure,” he said. “That wouldn’t accurately represent the fan experience.”
WVU officials have not agreed to participate in the ceremony. Pritchard, however, remains confident they will show up.
“They always find a way to be there when I’m vulnerable,” he said.
Despite the latest loss, Pritchard confirmed he will watch the next game, wear the same lucky shirt and spend the entire week explaining how the Mountaineers can still turn the season around.
“I’m done letting this team hurt me,” he said while checking the kickoff time for next Saturday.
At press time, Pritchard had amended the will one final time.
If WVU accidentally lowers the casket successfully, officials must bring it back up and try again.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source
If it happens in the hills, we’ll probably report it. If it didn’t, give us about twenty minutes.
