WEST VIRGINIA — Emergency crews successfully contained the state’s first zombie Saturday evening after a responder accidentally triggered an extended discussion about pocket knives.
Josh Scott, known to authorities as Patient Zero, had reportedly breached a perimeter and was advancing toward a group of residents when someone asked whether the knife clipped inside his pocket was “one of those cheap ones.”
Scott stopped immediately.
“Cheap compared to what?” he asked.
What followed was a six-hour explanation covering blade steel, edge retention, handle materials, sharpening angles, and why the responder’s question could not be answered responsibly without first establishing a budget.
Authorities quietly secured the area while Scott drew a diagram in the dirt.
“We were prepared for aggression,” one responder said. “We were not prepared to learn we’d all been sharpening things wrong.”
An attempt to redirect the conversation toward the outbreak failed when a deputy mentioned that he usually opened packages with his truck key.
Scott visibly recoiled.
“That was the first time all day he looked sick,” the deputy said.
By the third hour, officials had established a rotation so someone could remain within earshot and occasionally say, “What about that other one?”
The strategy proved highly effective.
Scott briefly resumed growling when a resident said a knife was a knife, but calmed down after being allowed to demonstrate the difference.
Three responders ordered sharpening equipment. One called his wife to explain a purchase. Another admitted he had been putting his knife in the dishwasher and was asked to leave.
Officials announced the outbreak was contained shortly before nightfall.
Scott disputed that characterization.
“We’re not finished,” he said. “Nobody’s asked about fixed blades.”
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
