WEST VIRGINIA — Recently deceased area resident Josh Scott learned Saturday that becoming the first documented case in a statewide zombie outbreak would not automatically excuse him from his next scheduled shift.
According to Scott, his employer responded to news of his transformation by asking whether he had contacted anyone about coverage.
“I said I no longer have a pulse,” Scott explained. “They said the attendance policy doesn’t specifically address that.”
Scott, who works in phone-based customer service, reportedly submitted a photograph showing extensive decomposition, damaged clothing, and eyes that no longer appeared to register human emotion.
Management said the picture did not establish whether he could wear a headset.
“They asked if I could still say, ‘Is there anything else I can help you with?’” Scott said. “I told them I could probably get through ‘anything’ before something fell off.”
A proposed accommodation would allow Scott to take calls from an isolated room, provided he maintained acceptable handling times and refrained from consuming coworkers during peak hours.
His request for bereavement leave was denied because the deceased individual was himself.
Meanwhile, callers who learned they were speaking with an actual zombie reportedly continued asking whether he knew the winning lottery numbers.
One customer requested a supervisor after Scott groaned for 43 consecutive seconds.
Another said it was the most honest answer he had received all week.
Scott’s condition briefly raised concerns about workplace safety, although management noted that the position involved relatively little direct access to brains.
At press time, Scott had received a reminder that Monday’s meeting would cover employee wellness.
Attendance was mandatory.
The Holler Herald — West Virginia’s Least Reliable News Source.
